


did you ever care?

by dil_aakhir_tu_kyun_rota_hai



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Beware, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Multi, alcohol tw, death tw, suicide TW, tw alcohol, tw death, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:09:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26306863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dil_aakhir_tu_kyun_rota_hai/pseuds/dil_aakhir_tu_kyun_rota_hai
Summary: None of them believed it, but they had to, eventually.Only one of them could have stopped it.Or:Kevin dies, and suddenly, nothing makes sense anymore.Read at your own risk:Major character deathAlcoholGrievingSuicide
Relationships: I guess it can be read as, Kevin Day/Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day/Neil Josten, Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 18
Kudos: 81





	did you ever care?

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself cry writing this.  
> Please check the tags and summary for warnings

The few months after it happened, Andrew sparred with Renee almost obsessively. Their team fell apart, to no one’s surprise.

Andrew could say he didn't see it coming, but that wasn't true, was it? He had always seen it coming. The breaking point that  _ he _ had been hurtling towards, the point after which no one could put  _ him _ back together, mostly because  _ he _ wasn’t there at all.

_ Why? _

_ Because he was dead. _

_ Because Kevin Day, the self proclaimed Queen, was dead. _

(And Andrew had always dealt in truths.)

(This was something even he couldn’t ignore)

(That he had seen it coming)

(That in his desperation, he had just pushed Kevin further towards the edge of the cliff.)

(That now that it was over, nothing would be the same again)

Neil spent too much time on the roof, Andrew reflected.

It was taking a toll on him.

(Were they really that close?)

(Had he been so blind?)

Even Aaron was grieving. Andrew watched it with quiet contemplation, as they all saw Dan break down completely, with Wymack right beside her.

Nicky looked around him with wide disbelieving eyes.

Jean had told them Kevin was bi.

Nicky couldn’t stand the opportunity he had missed.

And Andrew stood there, as Neil didn’t leave his side, but didn’t meet his eyes either.

He saw Wymack slowly crumble under the truth.

(He hadn’t seen this coming)

(No one had seen this coming)

(No one had  _ realized _ , Andrew understood)

(And he hated that he did understand)

The night practices stopped.

Neil couldn’t make it past the door.

He fell to his knees before that, breaking.

(Andrew turned away.)

(All this? It was his fault.)

The funeral was held with white as color of the mourning.

(Black hit a little too close to home)

(They honored his culture, a little too late)

(They invited no one)

(Kevin’s family was them)

(But they hadn't looked after him too well, had they?)

(Andrew looked at Wymack in his white clothes and wondered how he could have been so blind)

(They looked  _ so  _ similar, it physically hurt him)

Renee walked over to him after the funeral.

“Come,” she said softly, but not without steel.

Andrew followed.

(Allison hd been crying)

(She looked at him wetly)

(We painted his nails, once, she said.)

(He would always scratch it off)

(She laughed and looked at Nicky, and Andrew realized)

(They were sharing  _ memories _ )

(He didn't deserve to be there)

(To hear all this about a person he had let down)

Renee looked at him then and took his hand

“All of us,” she said. “All of us saw it coming.”

“None of us stopped it.”

Andrew took his hand away.

( _ She didn’t know. _ )

( _ Three weeks before it _ )

_ Andrew saw Kevin walk up to their dorm. He was clearly drunk, but Andrew didn’t hold that against him. All of them had their vices.  _

_ Kevin walked in, and sat on the couch, well out of arm’s reach. _

_ Some sick part of Andrew considered shifting just a bit to watch Kevin squirm, but buried that thought down deep. _

_ Kevin looked at his hands, turning his left one over and tracing the scars that ran across it. _

_ “Do you wish,” he started. “That you weren’t born at all?” _

_ “That the world would benefit more from your not being there,” _

_ “Than from your achievements?” _

_ “That you could saved so many people all the pain?” _

_ “That maybe,” his voice dropped to a whisper. “All you brought about,” _

_ “Was pain to the ones you loved?” _

_ Andrew realized that Kevin probably had told Wymack about the father thing. _

_ He leant back and studied Kevin’s hunched form. _

_ “Did you talk to Jean?” _

_ Kevin ignored him and continued tracing his scars. _

_ Finally, he looked up. _

_ “Thank you,” he said, and Andrew couldn’t help but think back to the last time he was thanked.  _

_ “Thank you for your protection.” _

_ Andrew looked at him uncomprehendingly. _

_ “The deal-” _

_ “Is over,” Kevin said, with the most force Andrew had ever heard come out of his moth. _

_ “You have Neil.” _

_ Andrew looked at him, but Kevin was done. _

(He should have seen it coming.)

He wondered if Kevin telling him had been a warning of some kind. A premonition, maybe.

He talked to Bee about it, in hesitating words, broken phrases and incomplete sentences.

(Is it ever going to stop, Bee?)

(Will I ever not cause destruction?)

(Will this always haunt me?)

(Is there no end?)

(Do I deserve this?)

( _ Am I really that cruel? _ )

Bee had just placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of him, and looked at him contemplatively.

“What would you have done? If you had the chance?”

Andrew looked away, because that was the whole point, wasn’t it. 

“I. I would have taken him to you,” He said, speaking his truth and setting it on fire by admitting, that maybe he could have changed something.

“But would he be willing?” Bee asked and Andrew realized he had never quite considered that.

(Kevin had already made up his mind)

(He had decided his own fate)

(This was one thing, Andrew thought cruelly, that he had gotten to decide on his own)

Nicky cried for the next few days. 

“He apologised,” He said, tearfully, while leaning on Matt.

“He said he was sorry for saying that it was easier to remain heterosexual.”

“He wasn’t wrong,” Neil says, and everyone looks at him, surprised, but no one argues.

(Because it is true.)

Dan held strong, till she couldn’t anymore.

“He was like a brother to me,” she said, and defiantly refused to share anything else.

Later he understood.

(Kevin had been tying up loose ends)

(Andrew felt his stomach bottom out)

(Selfishly, he wondered.)

(What had he told Neil?)

(Did he even want to know?)

(Neil cried in his arms that night.)

(I never told him how much he meant to me, he said, softly.)

(Andrew found it ironic.)

“He wanted to go skiing,” Neil said, and Nicky tried to blink back a fresh set of tears. Beside him, Matt did nothing stop his.

Allison looked at Andrew resolutely.

“He wanted to come out, one day. He said he’d do it with the team.”

Jean stood outside their little circle looking at all of them with anger.

“He had a little crush on Jeremy Knox,” He said, in heavily accented English. “He was polyamorous. But none of you know that.”

Nicky looked distraught, and Dan had clenched her fists.

“Why didn’t he tell us?”

(Did we show him that he could tell us?, Andrew wanted to ask but didn't.)

(It felt too much like betrayal.)

Neil didn’t talk much for the first few days after the funeral. 

It felt unreal somehow, that the nagging presence they had all come to rely on, was gone.

(No one brought in coffee for Wymack, Andrew noticed.)

(Neil forgot ice his knees again this week)

(No one stopped Andrew from eating three tubs of ice cream in two hours)

(No one helped Matt with his History homework)

(No one fell asleep at the back of the bus on the way to games)

(No one would throw pencils and Nicky’s head to get him to shut up during final’s week)

(It was an empty space that no one knew how to fill)

Andrew left the dorms that day, and nearly walked into a horde of reporters. He got into the Maserati and revved the engine.

(It was a warning all of them understood)

(This was the psychotic midget, not his murderer of a brother)

He drove to the nearest tattoo parlor, stopping only for a bottle of whiskey, that he downed before he reached the parlor.

(“I’d like a tattoo,” he said, and the person on the counter nodded emotionlessly. “A queen.”)

(In  memory honor of the man who got him off the drugs.)

(In honor of the man who gave him something worth living for.)

Neil looked at what he had done and met his eyes, for the first time since it.

“Where can I get one?”

And years later, when Andrew didn’t even consider a future in exy, he became a professor in Literature.

Literature, and  _ History. _

(And whenever he had the slightest doubt, he’d call the student in. Let them know someone cared.)

Even though, whatever he did, it wouldn’t be enough.

(So he tried to make it right, years too late, but he tried, because Kevin’s death was a suicide)

(Because Kevin left them each a note)

(And Andrew’s said:  I don’t know if you ever cared. I think you did. Did you ever care? Do you care now? If that’s not true, the least I can do, is die delusional. So, if you ever cared, make something out of your future. It doesn’t have to be Exy. Just know, that I cared. )

And he refused to let that happen again.

Because he did care.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated...  
> (sorry (?))
> 
> Edit: I received a hate comment (that the user later deleted) and to anyone who may feel the need to do so: go ahead, but I will respond to your comment in anyway I feel appropriate. Please remember, I do moderate the comments.


End file.
